Episode 38/Transcript
Bridget: Hello everybody, and welcome to the North Pole. The haappiest place in Overland Park, where Santa Claus will make all of your dreams come true, provided your dreams do not include world peace, cures for cancer, the resurrection of a loved one, or mall vouchers in any amount. Please maintain a single file line, no food or drinks. Photos will be available at the kiosk to my right for forty-five dollars, and if your child doesn't smile, I couldn't care less. Thank you and happy holidays! ...Oh, also your child may not ask Santa Claus for the repeal of Obamacare. Man: Goddammit. Trisha: Nice. Mikayla: So anyways like I was saying, I think I'm gonna ask him for a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, a hard copy of Do You! 12 Laws to Access the Power in You by Russell Simmons, and the first three seasons of The Apprentice on DVD. Oh, and also a My Little Pony! (giggles) Trisha: Oh my God, the My Little Ponies looks so cute this year! I don't know what any of those other things are but I'm sure you'll get em! Mikayla: Thanks! So T, what are you asking Santa for? Trisha: This year I'm keeping it simple. Hair ties! And also, possibly genitals for my boyfriend! Mikayla: Mm, I think that's kind of asking a lot of Santa. Trisha: Yeah? Do you think I should back off the hair ties? Katelynn: Trick or treat! Mackenzie: Katelynn, it's Christmas, not Halloween. Katelynn: But look at all the candy! Mackenzie: Do not eat the decorations. Those candy canes aren't edible. Remember last Christmas when you had to get your stomach pumped? Katelynn: No I don't remember. I was sedated! Mackenzie: It was like a fucking piñata in there. Trisha? Trisha: Oh, um, hey Mackenzie! Uh, are we, um, I didn't know, do we have a meeting? Mackenzie: No, Trisha. What are you doing here? Trisha: Oh, you know, I don't know, I just, Santa, you know, Santa Claus, Santa, Saint Nick if you will, Santa, Santa's here. Mikayla: Afternoon Zales. You're looking pissed, as usual. Mackenzie: Trisha, why are you standing in line to see Santa Claus... with Mikayla Van Buren? Trisha: Oh, is that feud still, uh, are we still doing that? Cause I figured, winter break, you know, I thought it was just kind like an in-school feud thing. Katelynn: Wah, uh, wah, uh! (falls) Ouch! Mackenzie: Oh goddammit. Hey Trisha, seeing as you're already here, what would you say to keeping an eye on my sister while I go do anything else? Trisha: Oh, uh sure. Mackenzie: Sorry if she's a total spaz. Trisha: Oh no, she reminds me a lot of me when I was eleven. Mackenzie: Well she's—wait, what? Never mind. Katelynn, listen to Trisha, don't do anything stupid. Katelynn: Are you my mom now? Mikayla: Ugh, seven year olds. Brooklyn: And a Flutterbye Flying Fairy Doll, a Razor Daisy Electric Scooter, and, oh, if you're not too busy, my sister's been a real bummer lately. Santa: Oh, I'm sure she just needs to get into the holiday spirit. Brooklyn: No, seriously. My mom's been mixing Zoloft into her chocolate milk every morning. It's not helping. Santa: Oh well, um, I'll see what I can do. Say cheese! Brooklyn: Cheese! Bridget: How enchanting. These are the precious moments that will later be revealed to be complete and utter lies. Next! Santa: Oh, actually kids, I think Santa needs a quick break for some milk and cookies. Trisha: Boo! Boo! Mikayla: I swear to God, fucking unions, am I right? Trisha: This is fucking bullshit. Santa: Don't worry kids, Santa will be back in five minutes! While, I'm gone maybe my elf here will lead you in some Christmas carols! Bridget: Not a fucking chance. Belinda: Hello Santa. Santa: Oh Jesus Belinda, you scared the shit out of me. Belinda: Well, I thought I'd stop by and let you take a little trip down my chimney. Santa: Goddammit, Belinda, I told you last year that you can't keep visiting me at work. Belinda: What's the matter? Afraid the kids'll find out that cookies and milk aren't the only thing you like to put in your mouth. Santa: Oh, Jesus. Look Belinda, I'm sober now. I know we had a fling three years ago— Belinda: A fling? Honey, is that what you call six candy canes and half a partridge up my ass? By the way, I still have that pear tree. Santa: Ugh. Listen, I actually owe you a thank you. After that night, I quit drinking cold turkey. Haven't so much as had a sip of egg nog since then. Belinda: Oh come on, you deck my halls for a little bit, I jingle your bells, everybody has a Merry Christmas. Santa: Belinda I have to go back to work. Belinda: Oh come all ye on me! Just don't shoot in my eye! Santa: Ho, ho, ho, okay kids! Santa's back! Who's next? Mikayla: Hello, Claus. I know you've seen some naughtiness this year, but I have put together a report that will prove otherwise. Let's start here with this pie chart. Trisha: Hey, um, don't you work at Pizza Street? Bridget: Normally yes, but it's amazing the things you'll do for four dollars and fifty cents an hour. Trisha: Well, hey, at least you get to meet Santa right. I mean, the man himself. Bridget: Wait, you still believe in Santa? Trisha: Well, I haven't been nice all year for nothin'! Bridget: So your parents never told you that he wasn't real? Trisha: Oh! They try to tell me every year! But every year I come back and look who's here! So who's got egg on their face now? Bridget: Well if ignorance is bliss, you must be one very happy fucking idiot. Trisha: I am, thank you! Katelynn: Excuse me, Santa's friend, do you have any more snow? This snow's gone stale! Bridget: That's not snow, and I hope you're asking Santa for an ambulance. Katelynn: Ooh! Wah ooh wah ooh wah ooh. Mikayla: I thank you for your time. Here is my card. We will be in touch. Santa: Oh, thank you. Mikayla: Just for the record, you don't punish girls if their sisters have been naughty, right? Santa: No! Mikayla: Okay, good. Bridget: Next! Trisha: Alright! Belinda: That's me! Trisha: What? Belinda: Sorry honey, I'm in a rush, you mind if I have cutsies? Trisha: Oh yeah, yeah, no problem. Just really quick. Santa, um, what is your policy on male genitalia as a gift? Belinda: Oh, same question. Oh ho, ho, ho, is that a yule log that I'm feeling? Santa: Belinda, Jesus, get off my dick! Oh, I am so fired. Mackenzie: Hey Trisha, thanks for watching my sister. Okay Katelynn, time to go. Did you get to meet Santa Claus? Katelynn: Jesus, get off my dick! Mackenzie: Great. You see, Trisha, this is why I didn't want my sister hanging around with a Van Buren. Mikayla: The fuck did I do?